The Need for Radical Rudeness

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In the Star Trek: TNG episode “Coming of Age,” no one’s favorite character, Wesley Crusher, had to pass a series of tests to be admitted to Starfleet Academy. One of the tests involved a man rudely bumping into Wesley in the hallway. At first, Wesley apologizes, but then realizes the man isn’t human; he’s a Zaldan— a people infuriated by courtesy, viewing it as a phony social behavior designed to cover true feelings. Wesley adjusts his behavior and fires back a snotty retort about the man watching where he’s going. That makes the Zaldan smile, and he goes about his way.

As a young girl, I couldn’t understand how a culture could be that way. How it could ever be preferable to dispense with tact, manners, and “being the bigger person.”

Then I became an internet personality. I get it now.

They Do NOT Come in Peace

There is a type of online trolling/harassment called sea-lioning. If you’re one of my more well-adjusted and normal readers, you probably haven’t heard of it. It involves peppering creators with relentless requests for evidence, often niche or (better yet) something the creator has already addressed, while maintaining a pretense of civility and sincerity ("I'm just trying to have a debate"), and feigning ignorance of the subject matter.

It’s called sea-lioning thanks to this delightful comic:

The thing about sea-lioning that makes it so insidious is that good-hearted people automatically think the sealion is speaking in good faith and they spend perhaps whole days trying to logically and carefully speak to these people. But they’re not acting in good faith.

They’re using your own manners and good nature as a Kafka trap, all while pretending to be the polite one, the cultured one. But are they really? Is the guy who comments “I just don’t understand what you mean by MEN’S fiction” after I made three 20-45 minute videos on it really confused? No, he’s not. He’s being obnoxious, thinking that I am required by the laws of politness to indulge him.

I’m not. And neither are you.

But for some reason, it’s hard to convince people of that. “Don’t Stoop to their Level!” “Don’t Get Down in the Dirt with them!”

These adages are leftovers from the halcyon days of the high-trust society I grew up in (and you probably did too). However, I regret to inform you, you don’t live in one now. Which is why an adjustment is in order.

Don’t Start None, Won’t Be None

If you’ve spent any time in my comments section, you’ve probably noticed that sometimes commenters disagree with me. Which is fine. Sometimes they make assumptions about my character or politics. Less fine, but whatever. They get a haughty retort or maybe I just ignore them. But they’re still free to read and comment.

And then there are people who either didn’t read the article, or did and are choosing to lie about what they read. They get a different kind of reaction:

My parents read my articles and are probably aghast at that screenshot. Let me assure you, dear reader, they did NOT raise me to speak to people like that.

So why do I?

Because like my subtitle says, I don’t work in customer service. My job is not to put up with whatever abuse a troll feels like dispensing. More to the point, I don’t want EVERYONE as my reader, community member, or customer. We’re actually pretty exclusive here at Fictional Influence. The people I send packing usually fall into one of these categories:

• Rude/uninformed commenter who looks at thumbnail (without reading article/viewing video)

• Rude commenter/restacker who only read/watched first paragraph/first two minutes

• Vile commenter who didn’t watch/read ANY of my article or video, but did read what others said about it and made assertions about me based on that.

In no world am I (or any of you) obliged to put up with that. And seriously, why would you? If you’re an online personality, it’s because this is your business. You’re selling your time, labor, or knowledge. Do any of the people I listed above sound like they’re going to buy from you? So why would you let them stay?

Because you were raised to.

Part of the reason so many people loudly claim victimhood is to prey on people’s empathy. “You can’t chastise my poor behavior! I have a condition!”

I can, actually. And I will. And not just because I enjoy giving verbal smackdowns. It’s also because poorly behaved people drive away nice and intelligent people. And that’s not something I want.

Keep the Vibes Good

You probably don’t know this, but Roger Ebert ran the best blog that has ever graced the internet. After he lost his ability to speak and before his death, Roger wrote several posts a week and ruthlessly policed his comments section. No comment was posted until he manually approved it. That’s why it was the best. The articles were all good, and so were the comments, even when they disagreed with Roger.

If a reader wants to comment on one of my articles, but then sees a bunch of nasty comments, do you think they’re going to post? Probably not. Who wants to say something only to get dog-piled?

Who wants to deal with some weirdo leaving passive aggressive replies under all their posts demanding SOURCE? and STATISTICS? No one. So I police my accounts the way Roger did (as much as I can) to keep the experience for my readers a happy and thoughtful one.

There’s also the issue of anonymity. I’m not mad at people for concealing their real name. Hell, I don’t use my real name. But the internet is teeming with bot farms, third-worlders using greek statue throwaway accounts, and weird felons pretending to be Christian homesteading trad-wives. The old rules of manners and comportment indicate I should accept criticism from these people with equal weight as people who show their face and have a body of work. The old rules say I should be nice to these sewage-spewing malcontents because they’re “socioeconomically disadvantaged” or “don’t know the Lord.”

The thing is, there were a lot of underlying assumptions in those old rules that just aren’t true anymore. And following the rules of a dead culture doesn’t make you virtuous. It makes you a masochist.

So… Thunderdome?

Much as certain populations would enjoy it, I do not wish to return to our feral, cromagnon roots. I like to talk to people and hear what they have to say. I like to meet new people. So how do we navigate this wild internet social landscape without devolving into a savage, aggressive, “I wish a mother fucker WOULD” culture?

It’s hard to say, but I think holding fast to the rule of assuming good intentions is important. Assume the comment is in good faith if at all possible, even if it’s a little snippy. What they typed may not perfectly encapsulate what they were trying to say (especially with character limits). So read carefully before responding.

After that, it all comes down to pride… weird as that is to say. Have enough pride in yourself and your reputation to be embarrassed if you come out swinging at a commenter who was actually agreeing with you.

No one wants to be in that situation. You look stupid. You look oversensitive. And no one aspires to be either of those things. Pride is good. Let’s not dispense with that.

What should be dispensed with is the idea that you’re still obliged to follow the childood lessons about being nice, being tolerant, and giving everyone a chance. They were helpful at the time because you were a child. You had no discernment or life experience. You had to rely on the wisdom of the adults around you.

But you’re not a kid anymore and the rules governing Kindergarten don’t apply to modern life, in person or online. And the people most loudly insisting they do… are the ones who benefit from your meekness.

The Twitter Crush

My fiction includes people who use manners to hide their ill intent as well. New chapters of The Twitter Crush are now live: