On Returning to the 9-to-5

I hate working for myself

When I left my federal job as part of last year’s DOGE buyouts, my biggest concern was income: Could I fully replace my comfortable day job salary? A year later, the answer turned out to be yes, and it didn’t take long to do it. Despite that success, I started a new 9-5 job this week. The most prevailing emotion I felt while sitting through basic bitch orientation (“here’s how to spot a spam email…”) was relief. Deep-sigh, tear-spilling relief.

Probably not what you hear very often on the internet about corporate jobs. But as someone who went all-in on my own business for a year, met all my financial goals, and then CHOSE to go back to corporate, I thought I’d share my experience with you.

And it is MY experience. Other full-time writers/creators likely have a different outlook. But if you’re looking to leave a day job at some point, I thought it would be good to give you an alternate take.

The Unbearable, Unending Task List

When going full-time on their own business, whether that’s novel writing or content creation, most people think only of the money. What needs to come in to accommodate what goes out?

Doing the math was a high priority to me, and to make it work, I started adding income streams (a premium author group, a digital magazine) and increasing existing ones (YouTube, Editing Business). That meant producing new, original content almost daily, making long-term plans, and tracking upwards of 50 clients’ novels at a time (I have 5 editors and a VA working for me).

Instead of having more time without the annoyance of my stupid day job, I had less time to do anything but have my face in my laptop. I couldn’t miss a video because if I did, the YouTube algo would ding me. I couldn’t miss a Substack because whenever I do, I get unsubscribes. I DEFINITELY couldn’t miss a case study, article, or Zoom meeting for my premium group. These authors were paying good money to learn and grow.

I’ll pat myself on the back that it took several months for the cracks to show. Probably because being a workaholic was a good way to distract myself from the grief of losing Gemma.

But defense mechanisms don’t last forever, and when the spackle stopped working on the leaks… it all blew up big.

Hate Your Audience a Little. But Not Too Much

I have a naturally melancholic personality and it’s nothing to get excited over. I suspect a lot of writers are the same way. However, when the melancholy turns to aggression, it’s a good sign something is wrong.

I actually grew to hate it whenever a video or article did well, as I would be deluged by comments from people not already in my audience.

“This thing you wrote doesn’t match my experience. You’re obviously LYING.”

“Ackshually, this author who sold a million copies is doing it wrong.”

“I hate when ugly feminist cat ladies talk about relationships. You have no eggs!”

“Hey this is mostly a good video but the lack of a step-by-step business plan for me to follow is disappointing. Maybe you can do better next time.”

“I like your tits. Can you wear the green shirt next time? I like you better in green.”

These are all paraphrasing of course, but not by much. Comments like these are part and parcel to having any kind of presence on the internet and you have to be able to roll with them. And for a while, I did.

Until I couldn’t anymore. Instead of an eyeroll and a cheeky rebuttal posted to Twitter, I boiled with hatred for every errant comment, letting it sour my mood for hours.

“Hey, are you okay?” became a regular inquiry from Hubs and my parents on our weekly calls. “Of course I am.” But I wasn’t.

The unending pressure of my own perfectionism worsened my natural melancholy to unhealthy levels. I took no satisfaction in any success. No number of editing orders in a month was correct. It was either too little (“I’m failing my editors!”) or too many (“I’ll have to push out the delivery date. My clients will be disappointed!”). The positive reviews for my books or my business, the praise on any video or article, felt like pity. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. None of it.

Some of you have correctly identified the name for this condition. And yes, I am working with someone on it now, which meant following their directions, even when I felt like there would be horrendous consequences for doing so.

Spoiler alert: The advice was correct and the doom I predicted did not occur

Pulling Out of the Skid

YouTube is full of creators celebrating their ability to go full-time on their channels. Some writers also make videos about the moment they could quit their job. But there are so many more detailing their success even as they KEEP their day job. For me, obviously, this is the path to follow. I had a year of being all in on my own. And I did. not. thrive.

So the relief of my new job is overwhelming. From 8-5, I only focus on this one job. I go to the gym on the same days at the same time throughout the week. I don’t need the notifications on my phone to ping me constantly, lest I fall short of a client’s or viewer’s expectations.

Yes, the hours I spent this week on a webinar about how to use email and the history of the company could be perceived as tedious. And would have been, if I’d been subjected to this at my old job. But my attitude has shifted. I know all this stuff, but perhaps the other newbies don’t.

There is a lot of malice for the modern HR-driven corporate culture, and justly so. We all joke about the “office culture” and sobbing on the way to the “job I begged God for.”

But for me, this is basically a reward for a long and frustrating job search. I got three interviews (total) after hundreds of applications. For one job, I made it to the final round, but didn’t get it. Another, I was always a long shot, but I appreciated the hiring manager taking a chance on a dark horse candidate. And the third one, I got. After a very long process that involved fingerprints and a piss test. But in the end… I got it. And I am relieved.

What Now?

I promise this isn’t some prolonged announcement of me shutting down my Substack. Far from it. This place (and YouTube) will continue as they always have. My VA Trent is wonderful and makes the workload possible. Likewise for the outstanding editors who make my side business a success. But I am shrinking my overall presence. Twitter overtly sucks now and I pretty much scroll for 30 minutes, check DMs, and post and ghost my content. Ya’ll, it has NO EFFECT on my incoming editing work. It was never a requirement or part of my income. It was just pressure I put on myself.

As it turns out, skipping a week on Substack doesn’t make people unsubscribe. Boring content does, though. So if I don’t have anything interesting to say on a particular week, it seems better to just skip it.

And though the YouTube algo isn’t in love with me right now, that’s okay, because the right people still find me. The big benefit of keeping a day job is that my bills get paid regardless of follower count, which goes a long way in making my days feel light instead of heavy.

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Coming Soon…

I’ve created a personal curriculum for a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, based on what a mid-tier university would have offered in 1997. This is for my own enrichment but I’ll be documenting it here and on YouTube. Maybe it’ll be fun for you too.