There’s a never-ending battle between the sexes on social media, specifically on Twitter, where I most frequently lurk. The combatants fight about all manner of things, but one increasingly common theme is the discussion of women’s weight.
Many of the arguments are just exchanging mean-spirited barbs, but those aren’t the ones that interest me. The ones that make me sigh, shake my head, and wonder how grown adults can be so stupid are the attempts to inspire lifestyle change in an obese woman.
The following is an entirely fictional, made-up conversation between a beautiful, stylish woman (W) in her early 30s (Close-up pfp of her very full face) and an anonymous man (M) who indicates he is also in his 30s. But because his pfp is an anime character and he keeps his real identity hidden… who knows? This made-up conversation is indicative of how these dialogues usually go:
W: I am single and unhappy because men are trash. Where are the good men? I want a husband and babies. I’m a good cook! I’m pretty! All my friends tell me how beautiful I am! And I have a great job! Why can’t I find a good man?
M: Because you’re fat. Your face is pretty but you’re still fat. You should lose weight.
W: I am gorgeous. I do not need you to agree with me. You’re probably a porn addict who’s bald and lives in his mother’s basement.
M: I am none of those things. I’m hot and get laid whenever I want. And I’m telling you, being fat is hurting your dating prospects. It’ll also hurt your ability to get pregnant. You’re over 30, so that’s an issue in itself.
W: [Blocks man, posts screenshots of his comments, basks in sympathetic responses]
M: [Posts screenshot of the block, declares victory in the debate with the delusional foid].
The problem with that is the man thinks he’s being helpful. He thinks he’s offering reasonable counterpoints and correcting this woman’s delusional assumptions about herself (and by extension, men).
“Hey, if you want to accomplish your stated goals, here’s some concrete changes you can make.”
(Real example below, though not from an anon)
The problem is that’s not how behavior change works, something even the smartest among us seem to be willfully blind to.
“Find Your Why” and Other Bullshit
Like everything else in the world, behavior change is aspirational. Self-help books and courses about losing weight or any kind of self-improvement conveniently gloss over that. They tell you to “find your why,” with the explanation that if you have a clear purpose for losing weight, you’ll be committed to it.
“I want to live long for my kids!”
“I want to run a marathon!”
“I want to find the love of my life!”
The problem with all those is that they are incomplete sentences. They don’t encompass the emotional and psychological element of what you truly want. And for good reason. 9 times out of 10, you’d have to admit something unflattering about yourself in order to properly nail down your “why.”
This is because weight is a social/sexual bargaining chip, not a health concern. Get mad if you want. You know I’m right.
When people cite “Health,” it’s a smoke screen. When men complain all over the internet about how fat American women are, are they concerned about their resting heart rate? Their potential for the dia-beetus? No. They’re mad at the aesthetic wasteland of slop hogs they have to look at whenever they venture out in public or onto dating sites.
When women express interest in losing weight, do they cite recent lab tests? Or even an actual, honest-to-goodness health scare? Sometimes, but only in the most extreme cases.
“I want to live long for my kids!” = “I saw my son’s text messages and he’s embarrassed that his friends made fun of my appearance.”
“I want to run a marathon” = “I want to get thin and film my fitness journey so that asshole will rue the day he left me for Tiffany.”
“I want to find the love of my life!” = “I need to get a lot hotter to land the guy I actually want.”
Note: These are generalities for people of prime dating age (20s and 30s), so please don’t retort with your specific experience of having a major heart attack at 48 and GENUINELY losing weight to get healthy for your kids. I see you, but I’m looking at the young folks for this. And their poor diet choices often don’t catch up until later.
All of these are valid motivations, by the way. “Revenge Body” exists as a concept for a reason. And you’d be a lot more successful in your goals if you’d just say them out loud, in their entirety.
What Actually Makes You Suffer Through Change?
Around 2015, I got really, really fat. I weighed 225 at my heaviest and I put it on fast. It was horrible. Why did I get so fat, you ask?
I am prone to reactive hypoglycemia. About 2-3 hours after eating, my blood sugar would occasionally crash. My body released too much insulin in response to my meal, and that insulin drove my blood sugar down too far, too fast. When your brain doesn't get enough glucose, it triggers an alarm system. I didn’t know this was a condition. My dad had it too. Sometimes, he’d get this panicked look in his eye and blurt out, “I need food!” And whatever we were doing, it stopped, and we got something to eat. So I thought it was normal.
In late 2014, I awoke from a dead sleep with shakes, sweats, racing heart, and vision that had massive blank spots in it. I could barely think, but I knew I had to eat. NOW. I bolted out of bed and stumbled to the fridge, shoving everything in sight into my mouth.
It was genuinely terrifying. and I never wanted to feel that way again. So for the next year, the second I felt the slightest twinge of hunger (or it had just been 2 hours since I ate), I made sure I shoveled food into my gullet.
Pikachu shocked face, I put on more than 50 pounds.
Once I decided to lose it, it took me over a year of keto and exercise. Yes, keto, an extremely restrictive low-carb diet. And I didn’t cheat on that diet even once until the scale once again read 170.
What was my “why?” How was I so committed for over a year that I watched my family eat chips, pasta, pizza, and ice cream while I sat there with yet another beef patty and sliced zucchini?
It sure as hell wasn’t “I just want to be healthy.”
It was this (Fellow ladies, you won’t like it): “I am forcing my husband to be seen with a fat, slovenly wife. He, a black man, will now be perceived as a stereotype: The black guy who goes after fat white women. This is embarrassing to him, an insult to his status, and a betrayal of what he signed up for when he married me.”
That’s the thing the anonymous internet men don’t get. Women WILL actually lose weight for a man. But it has to be a specific man. One they think well of, whose opinion they respect, and whose reputation they care about. No one cares about what mister anime profile pic thinks is a respectable weight for a woman. As a matter of fact, most of us would actually gain MORE weight if it would make you dorky fucks go away.
But I cared very much that my smart, hot husband would be proud to introduce me to his colleagues.
That was why I lost all that weight back then. And it’s also why I’m doing it again.
Finding Your “How” By Any Means Necessary
If you looked at those pictures of me above, you probably saw that I posted that compilation around this time last year. I won’t keep you in suspense: Reader, I did not make it to 150. I have lost 0 pounds since I posted that. The list of reasons is endless. But also rather short.
I eat too much. There, easy.
The obvious answer was to take a GLP-1 (i.e., Ozempic). I had my clear, unvarnished, ruthless “Why” for losing weight. And Terzepitide would be my “How.” Except… it did NOT go well.
Once again, low blood sugar was a problem, this time a much more dangerous one. I downplayed it in the Twitter post but I was this close to dying on my kitchen floor. So I cannot take Ozempic or any GLP-1. I have been forbidden by my doctor from taking anything that affects blood sugar, including Metformin, often touted as a popular “cheat code” for weight loss.
I’m genuinely pissed about it. My husband and sister are both on it and are doing great. Meeting all their goals. And then there’s my fat ass thinking about my next meal even as I am eating one.
Because “Just eat less,” is never that easy. If it was, there would be no fat people. “Whoops, getting a little chunky. I better peddle back on the snacks.” It doesn’t work that way, no matter how much the internet fitness bros wish it did.
That’s where the “How” of your behavior change goal comes in. And it needs to be just as ruthlessly honest as the “why.”
I eat so much because of stress and poorly managed mental health. I’m not saying I have an illness or disorder. I don’t (thank God). I’m just stressed and eating is a surefire way to hit my reward centers, helping me manage it.
Spend time with friends and family? I should be working right now! We’ll be destitute if I don’t bring in 4 more clients for next month!
Go see a movie? Can I make content out of it? Will that content bring me more YouTube Adsense money? No! Waste of time! I need to work!
Half of a large pizza? Don’t mind if I do. Holy shit, I feel much better now.
So that’s the reality. I can play pretend and say things like “I’ll just track my calories on MyFitnessPal. Calories in, calories out. I’ll lose weight that way.”
No I won’t. And everyone knows you can’t exercise your way out of a bad diet. The reasons I’m eating too much are psychological, so that’s what I’m working on. Because my health care is through the VA, I have to jump through some hoops to get the medication I think has the best chance of addressing my specific battle with hunger.
I don’t know if it’ll work. Hell, I don’t know if they’ll prescribe it to me. By FDA guidelines, I’m not quite obese enough to be prescribed this pill. But hopefully they’ll do it anyway.
If not, then the “how” will change however it needs to. Keto again? Sure, but a short-term solution. Gastric sleeve? I’m willing. Phentermine or other meth-like appetite suppressant? Not ideal, as uppers make me sweaty and cranky. But if that’s what it takes, then I’ll do it.
The sad truth about human nature is that half measures simply don’t work. We are social animals who change only when social costs demand it. The problem with the weight loss industry and self-help as a whole is that it feeds into the lies we tell ourselves about our motivations, and placates us when we put limitations on how we accomplish our goals. People get uncomfortable when confronted with harsh truths, especially about themselves.
But from what I’ve seen, the difference between succeeding and failing lies in the willingness to say the things you’re not supposed to. Say them out loud where others can hear them, and let them be uncomfortable with it. Because that discomfort is what will get you over the finish line.
Here’s to my last year of being too fat. One way or another. It’s the last one.
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I'm about to leave for work, but I wanted to say, to insist, please DON'T get anything surgical done to your innards to lose weight. I lost a childhood friend whose large intestines died (causing her own death when her small intestines ruptured during surgery). She grew up neglected in our childhood, and I lost touch with her when her aunt kicked her out.
In the intervening years before we reunited, she married an abusive asshole she was so desperate to appease that she got one of those weight loss surgeries. It affected her intestines, causing them to periodically "collapse" (she described the collapse like a Matryoshka doll set). In the few short years after our reunion she kept complaining of intense pain that the VA (who did the surgery) did nothing to help her with. It turns out her large intestine was dying.
When I first met her again and she told me why she got the surgery, I asked if she used to be 400 pounds or something. But she'd only been about ~210 or so. After the surgery she actually became a regular gym goer and dropped down in weight.
Flip side, I have a physically demanding job (a little more than 10 miles of walking in a day) and I've struggled to lose weight. The last time I saw a doctor she thought I might have a thyroid problem -- an issue which caused one of my aunts to have dramatic weight fluctuations when she was younger -- but I want more testing to be sure. Honestly, I don't want to risk the side effects of the medication she proposed I take for the thyroid problem. I am trying to learn more about the ways I've apparently sabotaged my metabolism -- eating breakfast actually matters, for real? Who knew!
I do wish you luck in your journey, though. The title of the post caught my eye, because one of the things I was always telling my unfortunate friend was that "people don't change if they get everything they just want by being themselves." I said this to help her become more assertive about her own boundaries with her crappy boyfriends and her misbehaving [adult] children. It's the one "life hack" I wish everyone understood: you get more of the behavior you reward, and less of the behavior you "punish."
Change is hard indeed. In 2026 I want to remove my own "barriers to change," and I hope you're able to conquer yours, too! Happy New Year!
“But from what I’ve seen, the difference between succeeding and failing lies in the willingness to say the things you’re not supposed to.”
I’ve taught a class on self-discipline (which includes a “know your why” section,) and while I think the why is important, your how distinction puts somethings to better words.
Many folks think they have to be soft with themselves. And it’s not like you have to be a jerk, but just honest.
In that mindset: I need to lose 10 lbs because I allowed stress and holidays to take my planned bulk too far, and now my stomach is as big as my chest.
Also, I need to stop using my substack writing as an excuse to not work on future novels.